After These Downward Facing Dogs, There's No Yoga for Joey "Jaws" Chestnut

Watching "Jaws" devour his prey will steel your resolve to diet. Trust me.

There are skill sets and professions that mystify me. I am simply not wired, for instance, to write computer code. And it was with sweaty palms and accelerated heart rate that I watched Alex Honnold’s death-defying fearlessness in the 2018 documentary ‘Free Solo.’

Our Independence Day holiday tradition includes Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, which dates back to 1967. I stopped in a Portland, Maine, bar late yesterday afternoon for a cold one, and behind the bar on high a television screen of at least 70 x 50 introduced me to the nauseating prowess of 39-year-old Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, of Westfield, Indiana. The program was a replay of last year’s contest on Coney Island, presumably to whet our appetite for this year’s. If there is ever a documentary made about Chestnut it might well be titled ‘Free (his) Colon.’

Today, Chestnut will seek his 16th Nathan’s Mustard Belt title. And I won’t be watching. The Athletic, this morning: “Chestnut has averaged over 70 hot dogs eaten for most of his 15-title dynasty.”

While awaiting takeout with my beer I couldn’t avert my eyes from the sprawling screen and the digestive system drama broadcast. Chestnut, I learned yesterday, is a real-life Pac-Man. I also learned that July must be the most challenging month of the calendar for programming for ESPN. Chestnut won last year’s hot dog eating contest on Coney Island by ingesting 63 hot dogs, and buns, in 10 minutes. Unfortunately, I saw every dog he downed.

And now, here, so, too, will you. Actually, this ESPN autopsy of Chestnut’s eating ethos commemorates the 69 hot dogs he devoured in winning the 2013 Nathan’s contest.

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Sixty-something dogs is a relatively modest holiday lunch by Chestnut’s standards in the competition. In 2021 he established a world record by eating 76 HDBs (hot dogs with buns). Chestnut’s Wikipedia page roll call of record-setting calories consumed is a marvel to behold.

Imagine the trepidation his family must experience at Thanksgiving.

Chestnut is a competitor in Major League Eating. Of course we have such a thing. And of course we televise its Super Bowl each July 4. Chestnut is the owner of world records for eating chicken wings (182 in 30 minutes); hamburger sliders (103 in 8 minutes); sausage and cheese kolaches (56 in 8 minutes); and pulled pork sandwiches (45 in 10 minutes).

He once ate 32 Big Macs in 38 minutes and 15 seconds.

Suddenly, ordering apple pie a la mode after your chicken and rice dinner doesn’t seem so indulgent.

Speaking of apple pie, Chestnut’s not skimped on desserts, either: in 2013 he ate 4 apple pies in 8 minutes at the Mapleside Farms World Apple Pie Eating Championship.

How many Twinkees do you imagine he could inhale in 5 minutes? Answer: 121 (actually, that took him 6 minutes).

In the Nathan’s contest rules, competitors are disqualified for experiencing what organizers politely term a “reversal of fortune.” It was a reversal of my fortune yesterday to view last year’s competition, and in the gravely discomforting moment I felt compelled to share the novel agony I was experiencing with a chum back in D.C.

I told my good friend Mike by text the over-under Vegas had set for Chestnut for this July 4 (73.5), and that he had once devoured 28 pounds of poutine, a delicacy Mike and I enjoyed in considerably less volume while on a Canadian vacation together. Mike’s text reply stunned me more than any notion of Chestnut fasting next July 4.

“I work with his sister,” Mike said.

“YOU DO NOT!!” I replied.

You can’t make something like this up. In Washington, I know, it’s all about who you know.

“Melody does not eat competitively,” Mike added. “I’ve had lunch with her.”

It was a fun bit of shock news, and despite the bar’s televised entertainment I was excited about my takeout dinner last night. But no surprise: I only ate half of it.